don't let your fears win.

It’s just an accident that we happen to be on earth, enjoying our silly little moments, distracting ourselves as often as possible so we don’t have to really face up to the fact that, you know, we’re just temporary people with a very short time in a universe that will eventually be completely gone. And everything that you value, whether it’s Shakespeare, Beethoven, da Vinci, or whatever, will be gone. The earth will be gone. The sun will be gone. There’ll be nothing. The best you can do to get through life is distraction. Love works as a distraction. And work works as a distraction. You can distract yourself a billion different ways. But the key is to distract yourself.


there was a time, this summer, when i felt like i've fallen in a dark and deep place of my own mind. it was like a sort of depression. i felt sick, tired, sad, alone. 
it wasn't a time of my life i am proud of, and as i tried to put myself back together, i tried to find some reasons for this all.

when i take a step back i realise that it all started when i've come back from cluj. some would say: why weren't you happy, you went home, to your family and friends, after so much time spent away there. this is what i would've said, too, if it was to happen to anyone else. but for me coming home meant coming back to what i was before this year in cluj. i changed a lot over the year, and now, as i came home, i had to be again my old version, which sucks, i might say. 

when i take two steps back i realise that it only began after i've accomplished all the plans for july, when sunny beach, b'estfest, peninsula were over and far away. so when i had seen myself without nothing left,.. guess that was the point where it all began.

as woody allen says, the key is to distract oneself in order to survive. i didn't know it, but til now i was distracted in thousand ways and this is why i haven't felt that weight i did feel the last 3 weeks. i am the kind of person who likes to go out, and loves to have something to do, away from the pc and stuff like that. volunteering, trips, parties, new people. everything was right there for me, and no one told me to stop, so i was enjoying every tiny part of being a student in such a great city as cluj. 

then i came back. as i said, the beginning of july was awesome, i went to concerts and i threw a party at my house and i also went to the sea which had the great power to calm me down for a while and then.. 

then came that sad and short period of time, when i didn't know what's going on with my life anymore. i couldn't find my place here anymore. and somewhere else neither. 

but life goes on for everyone. so, i couldn't just lock myself up in a room. i continued to go out, was happy for the time i could distract myself. friends kept my mind busy so it worked out for some hours, everyday. but the hours spent alone, thinking and overthinkin were the scarriest part of it all.


i began to question a lot of things, and when you question things you begin to fear so fears came on the surface, and fears meant insomnias, insomnias made me tired and more fearful, so everything was just a vicious and endless cycle.

it reached the point where i went out of that motherfckin door of the house tryin to convince myself to go and meet my friends and it ended up with me, running on the stairs back home, bursting into tears in front of my parents, without any reasonable explanation. 

fact is, i put myself back together, after a time. guess i discovered that, despite all of my fears, there are great things out there, and great people, and wonderful places to go to and if you can see all that beauty behind every single day you'll learn to survive under any circumstance, and also an important thing: you learn how to be alone and that this is sometimes a healthy thing to do - when you are comfortable with yourself, you'll be comfortable in any other situation with any other people. 


so, keep yourself distracted by the beauty and by every little good thing in this world. don't let your fears win. never let your fears win.