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“The more genuine our romantic loves, the more we do not feel called upon to weaken or sever ties with friends in order to strengthen ties with romantic partners […] and we trust that the attention our partners give friends, or vice versa, does not take anything away from us — we are not diminished. What we learn through experience is that our capacity to establish deep and intimate connections in friendship strengthens all our intimate bonds.”

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bell hooks, All About Love: New Visions This book is filled with all kinds of wisdom and warmth and clarity, but this little passage stood out to me. Our culture’s all about privileging romantic relationships over all other kinds, to the extent that it often doesn’t strike us as all that unusual when people we know disappear from their friendship circles for periods at a time (only to emerge from the relationship-vortex 6 months later, cursing the ex’s name). It’s a really easy pattern to fall into, and it’s a total trap. Not only does it strain the friendships that are tossed aside, it also puts way too much pressure on the romantic relationship itself: calling on it to be too much, too soon, and weighing it down with heavier needs than its wobbly newborn-foal legs can probably handle. Friendships are so important, but we often treat them with this weird laziness: assuming that they require no work, that they’ll always be there waiting for us when our romantic relationships fall through. But when we treat our friendships like second-rate placeholders for romantic relationships, we limit our chances of being happy in either. When we worry about our boy/girlfriend’s outside friendships (like they’re a threat to our relationship, and not a totally necessary thing everybody needs), we mess up what we’re trying to protect. Friendship-love is genuine love, y’all - bell hooks gets it. (via becausegoodbye)